V Pattabhi Ram
After being comprehensively thrashed for a second successive time by Australia, despite his team scoring an imposing 300-plus on each occasion, Captain Cool has decided to announce his retirement. Hey, not from cricket, but from winning. With a straight face Captain Dhoni told the media, “You see, we cannot win every time. We are now very focused on the third game.”
When pushed to outline his strategy for the next match, the two-time world cup winning captain said, after a brief hesitation, “We have a few plans up our sleeves.”
As the hungry media hung around his every word, Dhoni said, “First up, we are dropping Rohit Sharma. Whenever he has scored runs, more so centuries, we have lost. Look at the most recent history. In two matches, he scored two centuries, and each time we lost. Given the fact that he is in the form of his life, he will score a hundred again. So we have decided to sit him down.”
Even as the media looked stunned, and Rohit maintained his monk-like smirk, the captain announced his next strategy. “We are trying to get in touch with the BJP president to see if we can quickly offer Indian citizenship for a couple of Sri-Lankan bowlers and a few Pakistani quickies.” And then added, “If that fails, we plan to approach the RSS bigwigs to push this idea of a grand merger amongst India, Pakistan, Sri-Lanka, Bangladesh, Myanmar and Nepal.”
The addition of the last three countries is to make sure that the purpose of the move is not made apparent, reports an insider who is in the know of things.
Finally, if everything fails, India will partially agree to the introduction of the DRS. This would mean that the field umpire’s decision or that of the third umpire, whichever is favorable to India will apply.
Our sources tell us that Shashank Manohar is unhappy with these developments as he feels that N Srinivasan must have got in touch with Captain Cool.